Being back home is very VERY weird. I've been back for almost exactly three weeks now and I still don't totally feel adjusted.
I had ten hectic days at home - filled with family time and seeing all of the friends I hadn't seen in months (not that it's unusual for me to go months without seeing my friends at home). Upon getting home, the first thing I noticed is that everything seems HUGE. Even Longmont, which has always felt pretty small to me, seemed expansive since everything is so spread out. The streets are wider and even the sky seems bigger, as odd as that sounds. My mom laughed at me when I woke up the first morning and was amazed that there was SUN shining in my window. I don't think I had properly seen the sun in months - and the sky is SO blue. I'm still in awe every day of that Colorado blue sky. I'm also very happy to have my mountains again, and my sense of direction along with them.
It was very wonderful to see everyone and to be at home, but I felt very unsettled the entire time knowing that in less than two weeks I would be moving my life again. I didn't even really unpack my suitcases - I just dug around and was frustrated with ten days of not being able to find anything. This year I decided to bring a lot less stuff with me to DU - I realized if I can live out of two suitcases for almost five months, I probably don't need my boxes and boxes of belongings to fill my room. The next step is probably giving it all away, but I'll get there in time.
Seeing my family was wonderful. My brother was much nicer to me than when I left - I think he was just so grateful and happy to have me home again :) talking to my parents again was nice, though I know I wasn't the best to be around when I first got home. I had also really missed my goofball of a sister :) it was very odd to be living in a family again and have to account for everyone else's schedules and feelings - even for just a very short time.
A little over a week ago, I moved back in to Johnson McFarlane (Jmac), or the building I've called home for the past three years. I still feel a bit like I'm living in an alternate universe, though it was worse when I didn't have classes yet. The day after I moved in, I had Resident Assistant Winter Training. The other RA's are unbelievably nice and were very welcoming towards me. I'm having to accept though that things just won't be the same as last year. I came during the middle of the year, and while I feel very accepted, I haven't had the weeks of training and trial-and-error bonding of the first quarter like last year. I also still haven't met a good portion of my residents, because college isn't hugely new to them anymore and they've already found their place and friend groups. Which is completely fine and honestly makes my job a lot easier, but it's just not the same bond as I had with my residents last year. It's also very odd to see different RA's in the same rooms that my friends lived in last year. I still think of it as "Sonora's room" or "Julieta's room."
I've realized that being an RA has become a lot less of my identity. Last year I felt like I knew so many more people and they all knew I was an RA, albeit a very lax one, and it was just who I was. Now I know NO ONE on campus in general and no one I live with knows I'm an RA - so they talk about partying in front of me, which I find highly entertaining. None of this is bad, just very weird and very different from last year.
I have been very grateful to see my friends here again - I have been much more excited to see everyone than I expected. It's been odd not to have everyone living on campus anymore, but this also provides me with many different places to go to get away when I need a break from everything. Talking about abroad is weird though, because everyone has had such huge and profound experiences that no one really know where to begin.
Little random thoughts:
Toilets are so confusing! I spent about a week looking for the little lever on the top with its water saving function, instead of the shiny silver handle on the side.
I immensely miss my little Swedish phrases. I have no one to say "tack för idag" or "tjena!" to on a regular basis.
I also realllllllly miss hearing Swedish everywhere I go. It became really soothing and familiar for me. I realize how odd it is that I can now eavesdrop on everyone's conversations because I actually understand the language they're speaking. I don't really like it.
I have internet EVERYWHERE! I'm still in the mentality of getting online once I'm home since that's when I'll have wifi - but that is definitely not the case. It's kind of nice though - I do feel less of a dependency on my phone than I did before abroad.
It's already harder than I expected to keep in touch with my friends from abroad. Though we are very fortunate to have technology, its just not the same as talking every day and seeing each other in passing. There are a couple people I still talk to pretty regularly, but everyone else I just see on my Facebook Newsfeed and wonder how they're doing. Being in person is so vastly different from being in different countries and I already don't like it.
I surprisingly miss dancing a lot. Going to the club every weekend became an outlet for extra energy and just feeling great. Dancing here is definitely not the same, nor is going out.
People here feel much more judgmental than they did abroad - and the conversations I overhear tend to be more shallow (though this may be because I can actually understand the language here). I understand why people abroad feel the way they do about the US, though obviously everyone is different and there are many exceptions to the rule. I miss living in such a diverse, accepting environment. At the same time, I'm finding that I care less about what people thing upon returning, and I feel more accepting of peoples' differences.
I can't legally drink anymore - at least for 3.5 months. I'm not really all that upset - I don't drink a huge amount to begin with and I like being 20. It's just mildly annoying that my friends can all go for a casual beer now and I can't join because I'm slightly younger.
I miss cooking for myself SO MUCH. The dining hall sucks. I ate soooooo much healthier when I controlled what I ate all the time, because I honestly prefer vegetables and fish over most things. I'm just going to use all of my friends' kitchens.
Running at altitude SUCKS. At first it didn't bother me when I went with Brian - it was a little more difficult but not terrible. When I went to the gym in Denver (slightly higher altitude than Longmont) I thought I was going to stop breathing/pass out. Can't wait for this to pass.
I feel much more homesick for Lund than I ever did for the US when I went abroad - probably because I knew I would be returning.
My friendships with people here really have changed and not in a way I expected them to. None of the changes are necessarily bad, there are just some people I bonded with a lot more while I was gone and some who have faded a bit. I also find myself evaluating my friendships, probably because I found such wonderful people abroad and I do feel like I have a different outlook on life. Some of the friends I had before just aren't quite in line with my beliefs and such anymore.
Surprisingly enough, I miss having friends who speak all different languages. At first it was something that made me a bit homesick for the US, but now I miss just hearing the different accents and ways of speech. My friend Julieta said something very briefly in Spanish to her friend a few days ago, and I got really excited about not being able to understand what she had said, weird as that sounds. I do really aim to learn a language before I go back to Europe though!
Biking is one of the biggest things I miss - I prefer it to driving so much. Having a car is definitely VERY necessary where I live, but I liked being able to bike through the little cobblestoned roads to get anywhere I wanted to go. I got on the bike at the gym and even that felt faintly familiar and reminiscent of Sweden to me.
I find myself feeling very scared that I'll forget Sweden ever happened. It's so easy to fall back into the DU routine - classes, RA duties, friends, etc - and forget that I actually really really changed as a person. I have all these huge experiences and amazing friends who live an ocean away, yet I'm in such a strongly familiar environment again. I keep looking at pictures and wishing I had more videos so I can hear everyones' accents again and flashback to when we would all hang out draped over the couches on top floor Spoletorp and talk about our days, always yelling and talking over each other in the best way.
There are things I am very grateful to have back, and things I really deeply miss about Sweden. Life does generally feel a bit less exciting here, but I'm strangely happy to be using my brain in school again. My classes are already challenging, but it's good to have something to focus on. I'll try to keep updating my feelings and experiences about being back!
